A Life Without Living

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A LIFE WITHOUT LIVING

 

As I sit in this huge mansion, so great it could take anyone’s breathe away. Outside the windows a beautiful meadow, grass so green nothing could compare, a sky so blue you could mistake it for an ocean, so many beautiful flowers you could open up a flower shop. This would be such a great place to start a family and live out my life and grow old with the woman I love, surrounded by our grandchildren. I was so close to that life, so close to that happiness. Alexandria was, is the women I love and I’m going to get her back no matter how many people I have to kill to do it.

I’m Alexandria but people call me Alex, I just turn 18 a week ago, I also just started my senior year of high school. I’ll be graduating in exactly 10 months and I have nothing to show for it, my life sucks. I know, that’s what typical teenagers would say about their life but I’m serious, for starters I’m writing in a journal/diary right now, a birthday present of course. But let’s go down the list, 1st my family is the total opposite of me, their always happy, have the best town spirit and want to be involved in everyone’s life. They think there’s something wrong with me because I don’t like to be at parties and be in the middle of everything, it’s really nice to sit at home read a book and dream of the life I wish I had, is that so wrong. 2nd my mom only cares about my sister, so I’m pretty much invisible to her and 3rd my sister Amber is miss popular, perfect hair, perfect grades, perfect boyfriend, friends and the list just keeps going on and on. I have one friend, my grades are average and I couldn’t get a date to prom to save my life. I mean I think I’m `pretty; well I’m OK for the most part. I’m an average looking person not too tall about 5’5, I’m not fat not skinny either and I’m half black and half white, well my mom half black and half white and I guess my dads white seen I’ve only seen pictures of him I don’t really know and every time I ask my mom about him she ignores me.  But back to the point, I should be able to find someone, anyone in this horribly small town called leeway. So small you probably couldn’t find it on a map, just a little spec on the edge of England’s coast.

I don’t know why my mom decided to move here in the first place I loved Arizona, it was my home, and it was the place I could understand. It was so warm and hot there, unlike here and I had friends with an “s”. My life there was kind of perfect, I was even on the verge of having a boyfriend but then my mom just pick up everything and decided to move here in the middle of my freshman year. Of course my perfect sister adjusted perfectly fit right in at our new school Leeway high. I hate the fact that she is so smart that she had to skip a grade putting her in the same grade as me, she’s like a floating ball of perfect that I can’t get away from, you might as well call me the little sister cause I’m always in her shadow. You can’t choose your family but the good thing is you can choose your friends well in my case friend without an “S”.

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48 thoughts on “A Life Without Living

  1. Wow, I am sending you a virtual hug. You will be ok, just know that you are loved more than you will ever know. We are all different, and you have a special gift to share with the world. Never forget that! Be yourself, be confident, and the way will open for you. God bless you!!

  2. Foret, I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but in ten years, if you pursue goals that are worthy of you, you will be in a completely different place. High school really only matters, because you make choices during that time that define the rest of your life. Don’t be afraid to walk outside the box. Make good choices for yourself, thinking about where you would like to be in 10 years. Do you feel a calling in your life? I believe that is a God given desire that is a compass for your life. When I was 16, I felt completely isolated, living on a farm in the middle of the Texas panhandle after moving from a place where I felt connected to ky peers. I prayed for God to give me a family to love and a life that I would find meaningful, and ten years later I was married to the man I still love with all of my heart, and we were expecting the second of four sons. I never felt connected to y faily of origin, but now I am in the midst of a large family of love. Your life is what you make of it with God. There is so much to look forward to if you trust God and do not waste the years you have ahead of you. Get your education and stop feeling inadequate. You are not. You are a daughter of the Creator of the universe, an there is no limit to the good you can do in life. We all suffer loss, but that does not define us….what we do in response to that defines us. God bless you, and I am going to say a prayer for you and follow your blog. I am expecting great things! Jerri

  3. Foret,

    One really incredible thing that you have going for you whether you see it or not is that you are a beautiful writer. I love how you used the idea friend with and with out an “S”. That was very clever. I also like how you so so much with such a small amount of space. You have a gift of words, and words allow us to paint our own reality. My life may be a bit different from yours. I”m quite a bit older but, I can so relate to a time when there were many, many friends with an s and as I got old that circle got smaller and there became a few friends and at times in my life there was just me. Those times are to be cherished.

    In your writing I hear comparison’s quite a bit of them and I would like to offer a challenge this week for you. It’s a challenge in perspective. If you so choose to accept the challenge of course the decision is up to you…

    But, here’s my challenge and proposition to you… for one week each time you are tempted to compare yourself to your sister, I would like you to make a note. Make a note of what it is that you are 1. Comparing, ex. eyes, hair, hands, or talent, etc. what ever it is you see that you are finding yourself lacking up against her. or anyone in that matter you are comparing yourself too. Take this week and make it one of awareness of the thoughts that come your way that are 2. Figure out what it is about that person that you admire, compliment them on it, be happy for them that they have it. Then ask yourself what is making you feel as if you lack something that the other person, your sister or who ever has that you may feel that you do not possess. Then after your brief list. 3. For each one of these things that you write down throughout the day… I would like you to pick one or two and look at yourself and find at least 5 positive things that you can do to enhance your own natural beauty to see yourself as beautiful to counteract that comparison.

    For Example: Let’s say… my Friend Erin has perfect hair, I look at mine and it’s stringy and I have split ends that really need to be tamed. It’s not quite as shiny as hers and I realize my hair sucks this makes me feel embarrassed because I don’t have hair like Erin’s I just have my hair. Then I think of five things I can do to possibly make my hair more desirable to me and look at Erin and say you know you have really amazing hair that’s awesome… then let it go and look at yours.
    What are five things you can do with your hair to make it better? 1. Do an internet search and find a new style you like. 2. Go and have your hair done. 3. Get your hair colored or trimmed in a style that fits your facial features. 4. Research new products that add shine or body to your hair through shampoo / conditioner 5. See the beauty of who you are, do research on pictures of others who have your same hair color and style and see who pops up.

    Once you begin to see your own natural beauty, and gifts and what you have to offer. Others gifts become their gifts… you can be happy for them with theirs and fully enjoy your own.

    For you have this wonderful hidden treasure inside of you…

  4. Thank you for having the courage to share this! Embrace what makes you happy and you cannot go wrong. 🙂 Find your healthy validation (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7A_K-DUsYA). I don’t know how you feel, but I was also an outcast. My family was/is very abusive. Don’t settle for less than happiness. I am sorry you feel invisible. Know that you are not invisible. You are treasure!!

  5. Oh, I know the feeling you have very well. My sister was like your sister and I was like you. Try to stop comparing yourself with her. Her life may be great right now but your life will be great later. You will see. I promise.

  6. Hello Beautyjaz,

    Thank you for stopping by my blog! I stopped by to check you out and found this post, it’s incredibly sad. I would feel extremely bad as a parent if my child felt this way and I didn’t know about it.

    I really feel for you. I’m sorry you had to move to a place that you don’t like. You mentioned being bi-racial, if I had to guess you look different from the people you are surrounded by? That can make things feel very difficult too. I have been in that situation before. I lived in California in a very white neighborhood and missed having people around that looked like me to identify with. We can talk about that more if you are interested.

    You sound depressed. I know you said that your mom ignores you, but have you talked to her about what you’re feeling?

    Also, know that you’re at a point in your life when more big changes are happening (turning 18), which can be daunting, overwhelming, and sometimes depressing. You’re becoming a young adult, possibly headed to college to be on your own for the first time, and you’re trying to figure out who “ you are”. So you have a lot of challenging things going on. Please consider counseling. I went thru something similar in college and seeing a counselor is one of the best things I have ever done in life ( I didn’t want therapist/psychiatrist because I did not want to someone recommending medication. With a counselor, I believe, they can help and coach you to make changes in your life for the better without trying to “diagnose” and medicate you). Some people make fun of counseling, so if you know those types ignore them if you decide that it is something you would like to pursue.

    I don’t want to sound all preachy, but you deserve and can have happiness. It is much closer than you think.

    Please email me or we can Skype if you would like to talk. I know I am a stranger, but I am here for you.

    Much love,

    LaRie

  7. Please know that the supportive responses are not meant to belittle your feelings by saying “it’s just a phase” or “you’ll grow out of it”. Rather, see it as we see you, someone who is experiencing something that we can relate to because we’ve been through something similar. You are so much stronger than you know right now.
    “Isnt it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything’s different.” -C.S. Lewis

  8. Thanks for stopping by my page. I’m really glad you did, for it gave me the privilege of reading your story.
    It saddened me to hear of you sad journey. I had a similar childhood so I feel what your saying.
    I have 3 beautiful daughters and I love them all deeply! All of their friends
    (When they were teenagers) used to love to come to my home for I loved them all, and the called me mom.
    I raised all my children in Alaska so I’m familiar with the cold.
    My husband and I retired and moved here to Arizona. It’s so wonderful, warm, and friendly. I can see why you miss it here. The good part is that when you graduate you could move back here.
    The bad part is it’s a long trip.
    I’m sure you’ll find a way.
    Until then I want you to know I love your spirit and your creative mind.
    Your truthfulness is lovely.
    I will continue to post pictures of Arizona and some extra ones just for you.
    If there’s anything you would like to see for your memories just let me know.
    I live in Yuma so I’ll do my best.
    May you find peace and love this day.
    Sincerely
    Dawnasong

  9. Hi, thank you for reading and liking my post. Your post excites me because I feel you are at a real turning point where you can create the life you want for yourself and leave your insecurities in the past.
    Make today the first day of the rest of your life, with a spring in your step and a glint in your eye.
    Smile knowingly as you picture your perfect future, people will be intrigued by your new charm and door will begin to open for you.
    Focus on you, not the people around you.
    p.s I live in England and have always thought that Arizona would be a great place to live/visit x

  10. Thanks for liking my post. School was hard for me too, it’ll be over and then college will be easier with nicer mature people. In the meantime you can read about positive and inspirational things to keep you going. There is so much to look forward to, find them and work towards them. Feel better, friend.

  11. Hey! I am a teenager too and I know how difficult life is nowadays. But you don’t have to respond to all the pressure you face. Just remember that you are the best when you are ‘YOU’. You don’t have to change for people who won’t give you a second glance the moment you get away from them. Please, don’t do that.
    I stumbled upon your blog after you liked mine, and I loved it! It is one of the most innovative ones I’ve come across, in a lot of time. You just keep writing the stuff you do, and don’t ever change. People who love you will love you the way you are…
    Lots of love,
    Akanksha
    P.S. Where are you situated now? Cause you said you shifted from Arizona.

  12. Writing is the greatest therapy….you don’t know it yet, but you are on the right path—your path. Having the courage to share your writing will open doors for you and take you places you never thought you could go. You have a purpose, you are beautiful, and you are very VISIBLE. Never give up on yourself and do not compare yourself to others. Why? Because there is only one you in this entire world…

  13. It takes immense courage to be different from others and only the very strong and intelligent can do it! I too am extremely different from my family and the social circle I was born into and it took me a long time to figure out if I am right or wrong.

  14. Hey pretty girl, hope you find a way to get out of the funk and find something interesting to do. Around that age I started to photograph, and it really helped me. You can do it with just a phone.. Go around taking photos of everything that inspired your mood… Let me know how that goes!!

  15. Hey girl, you are beautiful. You can set your upbeat mood by exploring your neighborhood, making new friends. Always remember you are not that alone in the world. Probably there are millions of people just like you including me who wants to have better life. I blog, so do you. Ask Evelyne said, take pics connect with the environment around you, find that one passion in you and drive it through. Once you do that, all the pain and gloom disappears.

  16. Dear Alex,
    You’ve taken the first step towards peace. Trust me, in a few years, you will look back at your blogs, and thank God for this time. Because, you are being prepared to be a very influential person to the world-which you actually already are. You are young–which gives you time to experience all the majesty waiting for you to experience in the world. All you have to do for now, is to remember how beautiful, courageous and intelligent you are.

  17. Hey!
    I may not know who you are, and may never meet you personally, but my heart goes out to you. Don’t ever feel like you aren’t wanted or appreciated, because you are. You were brought in this world because you have a purpose in life – just like everyone else does in the world. Even the small people, like you, can make such a huge difference!
    Also, I’m not sure what your beliefs are, and I would never want to force anybody, but if you do believe in a higher power out there, just talk to Him! It may seem silly, it may seem a little odd at first, but it’s just like talking to yourself. Pour your heart out and release any angry and sadness you feel deep down inside. Someone out there will listen to you and you will feel such a relief afterwards.
    But remind yourself everyday, you aren’t perfect because nobody in life is. That’s what makes the world such a beautiful place – we can keep making mistakes, we can stumble and fall, but we always get right back up again only to learn from the past.
    Lastly, don’t think for one minute that your sister has it all. No one in life has it all in life. I always tell myself that even though that person may look happy in the outside, she could be hurting in the inside. You may never know what battle someone is facing. So just think about that too. Hope is all well and I wish you the very best.
    Best Wishes,
    Ashley

  18. Hi, thanks for checking out my blog! I enjoyed this excerpt of your book- I look forward to checking out more of your stuff.

  19. This is a great start to your story, a concept I think will work very well. I hope it explores the strong confidence that your character will develop without a man even if a man enters the picture. I would reread it. I have to reread my blog ten million times and edit it about as frequently just to get rid of the simple grammatical errors. There is a world of potential in this. I will be keeping up with your novel in the making because I genuinely like it. I love that the main character is biracial. This happens so infrequently.

  20. Hi dearie, thank you for your post, we draw strength from your post. Everyone is unique & we all loves you. Skin colour & all doesn’t matter but it’s the heart that matter & you’re one of the warmest heart I’ve ever seen. Stay strong & looking forward to your many posts.

    Thank you for dropping by my post, that’s where I met you.

  21. Beautyjaz,
    I read your words and thought of how I felt in high school and could honestly say I thought you were writing about my life. I am not bi-racial, but I understand how that would be difficult to know where you fit in. I had a sister who was more popular than I was, course as she tells me today she does not feel she was popular, but from my vantage point I saw it differently than she saw it. She always had guys who wanted to date her and never lacked for a date. I never went to my prom because I did not have a date – I allowed that to deny myself going to prom and to this day i wish I had chosen different. Later in high school I did have a date, but when he came to pick me up my sister was there and made over him and she was all he could talk about the whole evening and I asked him early on to take me home. I think we put far too much stock in having a date, being popular, having nice hair, and the list grows when we are teenagers. Being a teenager is not easy, especially when you are not popular or feel that you do not have what others have and it is a time when you are trying to find out who you are and what sets you apart from others. I am older now and I do not compare myself to my sister because I know I have qualities she does not have, I am attractive, I have gifts she does not have, I am a unique and precious individual that God created and loves. We are all good enough, we are all worthy, we all have a purpose and reason we are here, our life path may not look like our siblings or friends or cousins, but God has a plan for each of our lives. Our life path is not to look the same as others paths, we have our own we are to live out. As far as your Mom, I surely would sit and visit with her about how you are feeling, it is possible she has no idea how you feel and how she may be playing a part in your feelings. I know some mother’s do have favorites and if that is the case in your family then seek out a grandmother, an aunt, someone who is in your corner and who will be your guide and have your back. We all need someone who can help see us along our path and if not immediate family then some of us have to seek that from another family member. You mentioned you have nothing to show for your life – change that – seek to find things that bring passion in your life, help others – helping others is always a good thing because you are not only helping someone who is in need of help, but also it does something inside of you as you are giving of yourself to someone else, and find what you love to do, take your eyes off your sister’s path and put your eyes on your path and then ask God to show you what you are meant to do – you will find your way! I am sorry you do not know your father and your mother does not talk about him to you – she may be hurting inside from what he did or did not do – maybe at some point she will open up and share with you about him. When you are out on your own, you could start searching for him and see if you could meet – it is a huge thing to know our parents whether they have been in our lives all the time or whether we have never known them. It is possible he doesn’t know about you or that he did not want children and maybe does not want to know you and your Mom is just protecting you – but it would be something you could look into when you are out on your own. One of my friends never knew her real mother and father, as she was adopted as an infant, but when she was in her 30′s she started looking for them and she found that her mother had passed away just months before she started her search and her father was never married to her mother, but he was still alive. She talked to him a few times on the phone, but he had a new family and did not want his wife to know he had a child from another relationship, so he refused to see her. She did not get to meet either parent, but she gained a handful of half siblings and they have filled her in on what her mother was like and she finally feels like she understands why she likes certain things or why she thinks like she does. I wish you all the best and I am praying you find your way and that life will become full and have purpose for you – high school is tough, but when you get out on your own and spread your wings – you will see you are a beautiful and unique individual worthy of so much more and those things you worried about in high school are not as important now that you are an adult! God bless you!

  22. Reading your blog was a throwback for me. I was the different one in my family. Boys looked through me like I wasn’t there (sometimes that’s a blessing). I love your writing. It draws you into the story and you become a part of it. Keep writing because there is healing in doing so. Know that even if you never know who your birth father is, Father God will be your Father if you let Him and He will never leave you or forsake you. Blessings.

  23. You write very well. From the story I understand that you are an introvert. I am married to an introvert and, although I am an extrovert, I enjoy the friendship of many intro’s. Embrace your life and remember that some day you and your sister will be forty-something and loving your relationship. I look forward to seeing more of your work.

  24. You sure have the passion of a writer. Sometimes being in the shadow of perfect makes you feel like nothing-but no one likes perfection…it’s annoying. Keep growing. Keep writing. There’s a special mind in there.

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